Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Betsy!!!! The Biggest Wuss In All The Land!!!!!

 Even though it's only 8:21 AM, I am writing this with adrenaline coursing through my veins.....
I just had to share with the class.
When I went to get my paper outside my front door this morning.....
the four scary turkeys were back!!!!!
They were breakfasting on the crab apples that have fallen on the ground.
Remember the spring????
When I shared with you the pictures of the apple trees in front of my condo?????
all of those blossoms turn into little crab apples that are just the most delicious treat for all the birds.....including the turkeys.....
I stepped out onto my front stoop to yell at them.....
and the four #$% started coming towards me.
That wasn't what I had wanted them to do.
I wasn't calling the little bastards, I was warning them off.
But they have bird brains.
I tell you, if I had had three friends with me, so it was four against four....
Speaking of turkey balls.....I have this great recipe.....
No, I will not be distracted from my tail of woe.
Since these four birds didn't seem to remember how scary I was with my umbrella....
(to read that on the word umbrella!!!!!)
I decided to follow the advice of one of my readers, and try throwing rocks at them.
Since I live in New England, and gardening is just another word for digging up rocks.....
I have quite a collection in my back yard that I keep in old flower pots, just in case I ever need them.
I ran to the back of my home and braved the crappy drizzle that is so lovely this time of year....
grabbed a pot of stones and rushed back to my front door.
I started lobbing chunks of granite at the gobblers.
I am not an athlete.
I am not coordinated.
I was always picked last in gym.
Needless to say, I couldn't hit the side of a barn, much less a large stoopid bird.
I keep throwing my missiles of death.....
and I keep missing the birds.
But this being the theater of the absurd.
The dumb feathered beasts had no idea I was trying to scare them away with some minor bruises.
They thought I was throwing food at them.
Let me repeat that......
they thought I was throwing food at them.
I kept trying and trying,
lobbing one tiny boulder after another,
they were only about 15-20 feet away.
But, every time I threw a rock, they would run towards it thinking it was something scrumptious.
They thought I was feeding them.
They wanted to be closer to me.
This was not the reaction I had been planning.
Not good.
Unh unh.... 
Well this wasn't working.
So I went inside to get my Electrolux ergorapido.
It's a dust buster on steroids.
 It's a dust buster attached to an electric broom.

I turned it on and brandished it at the testosterone poisoned Perdu wannabees.
They didn't like that one little bit!!!!!
But it's an older machine, and the battery can't hold a charge for very long, and the thing started to loose power in the middle of my triumphant gesture.
But not to worry.
The turkeys had turned the corner of my house by then.
I need to go buy a new vacuum cleaner, not for my rugs but for my protection.
Now when I go for my walk, I'll be dragging an electric broom with me.
I sound like a modern day witch from Harry Potter.
I've run out of tidbits on this story, so I will go now and drink my morning tea.
On that note,
Latah, Gatah


Lee said...

Hahahaha~a witch with her electric broom! Hahahaha!

At Rivercrest Cottage said...

thanks for a really good laugh. Maybe you should spray them with your garden hose? that works on dogs.

Katie Mansfield said...

Yeah! Another turkey tale to enjoy.

Divine Theatre said...

You don't need a vacuum cleaner! Merely a feather duster.

Stick the handle down the back of your pants then strut around like a gangbanger on crack. You should probably wear your pants pretty low to the ground like gangbangers do. It's makes very intimidating statement.

It says "I am so tough that I do not care if my pants fall down"!

The feather duster is to make them think you are a turkey gangbanger. This is an important distinction. Human gangbangers are afraid of turkeys. Don't ask me how I know this.

The thing is, you may not only lose turkeys, but neighbors and friends too. You have to ask yourself, "How bad do I want this?"

...and the drive by shootings that may be incurred are a downside as well.


Anonymous said...

You kook. I hope someone caught your turkey tirade on video. Betsy and the Electric Broomstick - YouTube stars.

Skye @ Planet Jinxatron said...

Betsy, you're cracking me up. I wonder if that would work on giant geese, everyone thinks it's so fun to feed the geese at the ponds but YIKES!

kristen said...

this is too funny for words, Betsy...I love it! You are Wonder Woman! :)

Lisa said...

Just discovered you! Via an image/link on Pinterest. Am reading all your blogs and just adore you and love your style abilities! Looking forward to being one of your readers!

Unknown said...

Betsy, I live in New England too, and the wild turkeys can be a nuisance!!! Maybe once the crab apples are gone, they will leave you alone!!! If not, try a leaf blower, it is probably the noise from the vacumn they don't like and most leaf blowers are even louder!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Betsy!! I was laughing so hard at your turkey tale that my husband actually left off watching his soccer game to see what was up..
Maybe what you should do is collect the crabapples so when they come to dine once more, you’ll throw them down the street, they'll follow the trail a la Hansel and Gretel and they’ll be out of your hair...
Bet you will be glad to return to Florida with its ‘gators?:-)

Laura's Rose Garden said...

"testosterone poisoned Perdu wannabees"" too frickin' funny.........LMAO by the fire in eastern Ontario Canada!!! Give those gobblers hel!!!!

Pat said...

Betsy you are too funny!!!! We have turkeys in our gated community which used to be a turkey farm.There were 35-40 here this morning.I never knew they could fly but they fly up on the roof and over the 6 foot fence to the back yard. The cat is not impressed! Loud noises work the best as you found out.Love your blog and your sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

Around here, they take turns jumping up on the fence by the garage to eat the grapes that I had hoped to turn into wine. Now that assault will require the leaf blower method of attack, I think. Wish I'd considered that before they got this year's crop. Ah, just wait til next year. Of course, it will take the installation of a camera and alarm so i know when they are feasting. Prolly better to move the grapevine than go through all that........

fixitfaerie said...

OMG I am laughing so hard picturing this. You're a piece of work. (The good/funny kind) Good Luck with your fight. Paula

Jaybird said...

I'm with Anon! I think you need a leaf (ummmmm feather) blower. They are exceedingly noisy PLUS the wind tunnel effect!!
HOWEVER...the stories are so good, I hate to tell you a solution!
Blessings to you,

Divine Theatre said...

I moved the bed, the birdcage and the settee. Then I moved them back. Do you want to know why?
You can't get into the room if the bed is where you forced me to put it against my will, unless you climb over the bed. Because I have nothing better to do then move heavy furniture when Gracie is trying to do her school work and my husband is trying to sleep after a long night of trampling on people's rights.
I tried. I really did.


Divine Theatre said...

And THEN when my husband comes downstairs and sees that I have not yet done the dishes he will probably ask why. I will tell him I spent the whole morning moving furniture, at which point he will note that NOTHING is different because I then moved it all back.
My husband will now doubt my ability to tell the truth.
See what you have done?

momtofatdogs said...

Betsy - I was reading the update on your sunporch & was laughing...Prince Charming asked me "what's so funny?" I told him you're a really funny person & I read this whole Turkey post to him - well I read it to the back of his head, he's watching professionals make left turns.....His response? "Tell her to feed them in her NEIGHBORS yard" Yah, that's him PRINCE CHARMING at his best.


Anonymous said...

The Homeowners Association might sponser an Annual Apple Festival. All the residents to invite their friends and relatives with their children and grandchildren. One of the activities would be the kid that collects the most apples wins four turkeys for the holidays. They could form teams and use wheel barrows. Runners-up get two turkeys each and all others get one turkey just for participating. Everybody gets to take their apples home.

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